On Labor Day we had a couple friend of our’s over to “grill out” (aka – grill some food while we stood inside because it was raining, the rain stopped and we briefly ate our veggie burgers outside and then went right back in the house)
Anyways… We were chatting about various stages of our marriage – specifically what Dan and I refer to as the “dark ages”
Those were the years of our marriage when communication was lacking big time and I was (not yet diagnosed but clinically) depressed.
(Us at a Twins game… One of my favorite pictures of us from that time in our lives.)
Depression, Robin Williams & Me
Depression for me was mostly 2-fold in how it changed my everyday life. One was in my relationship with Dan and the other in mindgames within myself.
Towards Dan it came out as a sustained state of PMS (and I’m sorry honey, for the hundredth time) I was “angsty”, short and edgy way more often than not with him. To Dan, it didn’t look like depression (partly why it took years to figure this out).
But to me, on the inside it was a constant battle with self-doubt, lack of confidence, no drive/motivation as well as a deep seeded belief that “if I died tomorrow, the only issue it would leave Dan would be having to write emails for our photography business” (can you say, bold faced lie?)
On the outside I was generally happy, content, joyful and loving life.
That’s why Robin Williams death hit me so hard. You see, he died almost exactly 3 years to the date after our miscarriage. On the outside, his life looked pretty good! I’ve often felt a likeness pull towards him. We’re both ENPFs and there was this something about him I always felt connected to.
So when I read of his suicide it hit me on such a deep, profound level.
By that point in time I had been diagnosed, treated and off my depression medication. But I was still so close (less than a month out) to that dark season of my life I just felt the weight and deep understanding of his death.
The burden of living in 3 different worlds of my own internal struggle, who I was with Dan and who I was to the world felt so great, so imposing, so very loaded that I understood the desire to just be set free from it all and yet feeling completely incapable of making the necessary changes to do so.
Being yet another 3 years removed it still weighs on my heart that I was stuck there for as long as I was.
Distance and time do bring some healing – but those creepy little demon lies will always be there in some capacity…
Each season brings it’s own false belief in yourself; it’s the small, quite tricky lies that sneak up on us the most.
Right now?
They’re here – they just have a slightly different disguise on. They’re tricksy little lies that keep me from being my greatest self.
So I’d like to invite you in on this chapter.
My heart is burdened by lies that I’m not good enough, smart enough and worthy enough for the dreams and goals I’ve set before me.
Each morning I’m weighed down with the lies before my feet even hit the floor and I really need to do something about it.
Dan does a LOT of reading on various topics and one he’s been getting me on is the the idea of willpower and productivity. There is some amazing research out there about each of these and their connectedness – so I’m going to start there.
Did you know we each have a LIMITED amount of willpower? Now, that cap or limit can grow with practice and use of it, but there are certain ways we can establish routine to better use the willpower we have. Research has shown that without a morning routine we waste a lot of our willpower before we even get to the stuff (ehem, WORK) that actually needs our willpower.
So! I’m going to start with revamping my morning routine.
I will be reading the book “The Miracle Morning” and I invite you to join me.
You can read more of this journey as I document the book, my thoughts and additions to my routine here on this blog.
Because right now? I need an overhaul.
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