This picture was taken about a month after our first miscarriage.
And yes, for me it was true what Robin said on How I Met Your Mother… “Any chick who does that (bangs) to her hair is going through a big life transition”
Friend I was. Except it’s more of a transformation than a transition.
Today I actually was planning on sharing with you about how our awareness of what we eat/put on our bodies started (that was fall of 2007 thanks to a Library book Dan found – but we’ll get to that later)
But actually I want to give space for the story of leading up to and (nearly) everything in between those bangs and roughly a year ago…
One and a half years into our marriage we found ourselves questioning birth control. In that first part of marriage I had been to the ER twice from it, lost 40% of my hair, fell into a depression and skipped out on 2 weeks of college courses during my senior year. We knew something had to change…
Not long before Christmas (2008) I had a conversation with a friend – her friend had a similar story and with her husband they chose to pray over their fertility, and than use nothing. NADA. Zilch. My recollection is that the prayer intention is that they were trusting in God for the timing of their family. They handed it over to God acknowledging that, at that point, they didn’t feel ready to parent. But, they trusted that whenever it was God’s timing, it would happen, and they would trust in Him.
I shared this story with Dan the evening I heard it and I believe his reaction was along the lines of… “Great for them, but that isn’t for me”
Was I surprised at his response? No. But I was surprised a week or so later when we were coming home from the holiday family festivities and out of the blue (for me) he just said, “Okay, let’s do it”
After inquiring and realizing that is what he was referring to, we got home, prayed the above prayer and went off *any* form of birth control.
Later that month (now January, 2009) I asked Dan, “When do you think the perfect time to get pregnant would be?” He quickly replied, “June or July of 2011 – we’d have a March baby just before I graduate with my MBA.”
That was the only conversation we had about “when” for the next 2.5 years…
And that’s when, out of the blue (aka, after the second night of getting up to pee twice at night and waking up at 5am each day) I took a test and saw those two iconic lines.
I hardly remember telling Dan, we told a few close friends and our families… but before we knew it, we were facing the reality that what would have been our March 2012 baby was heaven-bound.
When we found out we were pregnant, it felt like the 2nd time in my life where I could actively hear, feel and recognize God’s hand in my life telling me:
“THIS is what I have planned for you. You might not have specifically asked or planned for it, but this gift is for you. With love, God.”
THIS gift, it felt SO ordained. SO God given. So incredibly perfectly timed (especially when we reflected on that ONE conversation) We knew He heard us. We knew He was listening and that He cares.
But how in the WORLD do you, as a fresh, young, 25 year old rectify that gift with SO much pain.
The events that surround the unfolding of our miscarriage and how it transpired isn’t one I intend to write out here. But the love, care and help we received from our sweet friends (especially, Karen, Chris, Andrea and Maggie) will never be forgotten. We honestly wouldn’t have survived that week without you.
So what happened next?
A year of active trying
An adoption journey that lasted 2 years with much heartache
A tattoo based on Psalm 73:26
Years of waiting on what’s next
Looking back, everything in between the miscarriage bangs and last summer is hard to grasp in one blog post. Heck, it’s one that if I could go back, I would force myself to write more.
But to be honest, I didn’t know I liked writing until our journey through the adoption process. There are 2 years worth of posts still out there that lit a fire in my soul for sharing life’s ups and downs. The healing for self and others that can come from vulnerability is real – and I found it there.
The 4 years between writing my last adoption blog post and this one have honestly been more challenging than the ones from the day of the miscarriage through that last adoption post.
Those 4 years are the ones that moved from me being in a life transition into a life transformation.
If you’ve ever found yourself in a season of prolonged limbo – a void, or a feeling of non-existence… I feel you. Genuinely, deeply, I’ve been in the valley next to you.
It’s hard to write from that valley. It was easy to write of the ups and downs of the adoption process because people are curious about it, they want to know what is going on and they want to show support.
Writing from the oblivion of aimless wander just looks like empty space.
It’s a space that often feels like writing or calling out would be pointless because you don’t even know what to say.
A space with a void so big, that it’s hard for those closest to you to cut through.
A space where, even when you have days or months of inspiration, the slightest set back can cause deep discouragement.
Waving a white flag doesn’t exist here, because surrendering is something that seems so familiar and close and yet true surrender feels like admitting some sort of unknown defeat, and you’re too stubborn for that…
But your belief that you can’t change keeps you even more stuck in the cycle of disbelief.
Certainly depression and the struggle with mental health has been part of my story.
But the greater story I hope to portray is one that leans in when it’s hard. Writes when it’s scary and imperfect. Perseveres when it seems as though the point of doing so has been lost.
This isn’t the endgame I had originally planned for this post – but if I’ve learned one thing about myself through my amazing Life Coach, Jaime, it’s that I’ve let shame and the fear of the imperfect guide me for far too long. (and, that I am to let me thoughts go where they take me, and get curious as to why)
So, for now, I’ll leave you here. Completely and wonderfully imperfect – but right where we were meant to wander to today.
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