Within a few hours of this photo I found myself in tears. Not just any tears – big, heaving, sobbing, nearly dry-heaving tears.
Recently I wrote about the first 10-ish weeks/first trimester… So what happened between then and me bawling my eyes out in Florence on vacation? Certainly I’m not alone when I say that this pregnancy has brought emotional, spiritual and mental challenges and this time frame is one I certainly don’t want to forget anytime soon…
“I just don’t believe it!”
Despite the home pregnancy tests, a 5 week appointment with blood draws, 8 week ultrasound 10 week appointment, 13 week ultrasound and both 14 and 18 week appointments… I said that phrase. A LOT.
(that picture is from our 13 week ultrasound!)
Not being able to quite put my finger on it – that phrase just kept coming out of my mouth.
Then I even started showing. The world knew it – even strangers could tell… but the mental understanding of my current situation just wasn’t tracking allllllll the way down into my heart.
So there we were. We arrived in Florence, walked around exploring the city for awhile and took that picture. Then around midnight was when the tears came.
“I just don’t believe it!” Yet again came out of my mouth and Dan just got frustrated. To him – it was simple. Karin is pregnant. There’s no in between and frankly he was just sick of hearing me say that I didn’t believe it (I don’t blame him, lol) As Dan said, he either had to believe that I was incompetent or delusional – because obviously – Karin is pregnant.
Articulating WHY I kept saying (and felt that) didn’t come easy.
120 Job Applications
That’s how I started explaining my disbelief. What sane person would, month after month for 10 years apply for the SAME job. How many big fat NOPES would you be willing to hear before you moved on and looked for a different one?
That’s how I felt. Every month for roughly 120 months (give or take) I felt slapped in the face or punched in the gut or spiritually broken that my body just.couldn’t.do.it.
It just couldn’t do what deep down in my innermost being I felt I was made to do! Sure… some months – heck, seasons – we tried harder than others. Some months I cared more. But every month no matter how how I felt going into it I got a physically painful NO.
So after all that time, once you get your dream job, do you actually believe it? When you have had only ONE other yes before but your only experience is that is was quickly, unexpectedly, painfully ripped away from you…
Do you actually believe it’s here to stay?
For me? Hardly. For those first 19 weeks I didn’t. We didn’t even tell our families until the 2nd trimester. Shortly after I started to actually “show” and we shared our news publicly and I still didn’t believe it.
I didn’t believe it was here to stay. It HAD to go away. Not because I wanted it to or hoped it would – but because that is all I know. Up until now? Pregnancy – for me – 100% of the time ends in miscarriage. Up until January I had a 0.84% success rate at getting pregnant in my lifetime and a 0% success rate of a live birth.
If those were your team’s track record and odds of winning the Super Bowl – well – eesh.
Once I shared all of that which I was feeling and experiencing is when it hit me.
“I’m pregnant”
Not that I realized officially I was, at 19 weeks in Florence just now pregnant…
But that I hadn’t actually said it.
“We’re expecting” “Due in October” “Here’s an ultrasound”
There were a variety of ways in which we shared the news – but not ONCE in those first 19 weeks had I ever said it to myself – or out loud.
And there we were.
A sweet lofted apartment in Florence on what was our 12 years in the making dream vacation.
Tears so big and heavy and just awkward.
“Say it” Dan said.
But I couldn’t. I’ve honestly never had an experience like this before. My mouth would open as salty tears streamed onto my tongue and nothing would come out but desperate cries.
I didn’t want to say it. I just couldn’t.
Because saying, “I’m pregnant” meant admitting that I believed it. It meant allowing myself to begin the process of seeing myself as a mom, believing it’s time, that I am WORTHY of loving this sweet babe growing inside of me despite my pained heart fearing it would just all be gone before it really gets a chance to begin.
He just waited.
I kinda hated him for making me do it… but he was so patient and he stood there as I sat on the hard steps bent over crying so hard we both threw in a few awkward chuckles because I have never felt so vulnerable in my life.
Eventually it came out – I’m pregnant. More tears followed as he wrapped me up into a hug and one more, tired whisper of a cry came out as those 2 words left my mouth again.
We both slept hard that night. The next day I officially felt the first baby movement and 2 days after that Dan got to feel it too.
Some say timing is everything, some say it isn’t.
But my Good Lord knew I needed that time on the stairs before feeling this sweet one move. It’s a gift I won’t soon forget…
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